Let It Go man

On family holiday, I sat on my yoga mat today to do a stress relief DVD I bought myself for Christmas (we are in August and I have only just opened the plastic now). I had a complete surrender moment. The voice over on the DVD was Elena Brower – the yoga teacher I followed when I lived in NYC and was doing my Yoga Teacher Training. I was in double pigeon pose and leant forward and the tears just started flowing. I remember this being one of my favourite poses when I was training and practicing regularly and I was able to be completely in the moment and breathe through the emotion smiling at any discomfort. Now, I was in tears - anger and pain and sadness surging. I couldn’t even hold the pose – I had to jump up to the computer to write down my thoughts to blog before I forgot them due to major baby brain, stress and the exhaustion I am experiencing of late. I couldn’t handle it. I needed distraction and had to get out. How far I am from that body and mind and place 10 years ago when I was carefree and creative in the Big Apple. I came back to my mat just in time for Savasana (my favourite pose) and the final message was surrender, non-judgement, trusting where we are at, being in the moment and letting go. I cried again.

I have been wondering lately when this moment was going to happen for me. I have fractures in two of my teeth from stress grinding at night and my neck and back are so tight it will take more than a little Westfield-massage-in-between-grocery-shop to fix. We are 6 months into our second son’s time on this planet and the daily juggle of two kids, broken sleep, maintaining a farm, a new business and a relationship have taken their toll. There have been days lately where the washing pile is so high that I get major depression when I see it and I catch myself sobbing while I am pushing the vacuum around the floor - this wasn’t the reason I was put on this Earth. I will happily be a nurturing mother, a loving partner and work till my fingers bleed, however somehow, years back in my idealistic youth, I pictured it a little different, a little easier. Like me as Earth Mother bouncing out of bed for meditation and yoga everyday at 6am before the kids got up, having more help at home – i.e. nanny, night nurse, housekeeper, cook and gardener all working full time. A raging business in its late teens bringing in zillions to support this home infrastructure. Regular mini breaks with my partner and spa trips alone to re-energize and make me want to be at home sweet home. Instead I constantly feel stretched, scream like a banshee and wake up with full-blown anxiety at the thought of getting our 3 year old to day care on time, panicked at having to take the car capsule in and out of the car with infant so DOCS don’t lock me up when I leave him alone with the window down a crack. Some days I feel I should check I am still alive as my breath is so shallow.

I was always doing a million things at once, my house was spotless and I felt like I could rule the world on potential alone. My hair was done, my nails unchipped and my wardrobe organized to the colour. I was fit. How did I become so disconnected from myself? I would never have believed it. What the hell happened? Kids happened. Now, things take so much longer to complete or don’t get finished at all - agony for a task-oriented person like myself. I can’t do multiple things at once anymore. I am lucky if my hair gets a brush and I don't walk out of the house with baby vomit on me. I used to poo poo women who dressed for practicality when they had toddlers. I now acknowledge their common sense. I have to surrender to the chaos and let go of trying to always do things my own way. Maybe if only for 10 minutes of dirty little kid hands. I am happier than I have ever been. I have two amazing sons who are healthy. I have a farmyard of animals, a beautiful home and an awesome partner who is a hands on Dad and supportive. We have incredible friends and family. I have a great business. Get over it and quit being a princess. I say to myself: I am grateful. I trust that the universe will provide and I will enjoy the moments in between. I let go. Repeat. This is again my mantra. Until my next meltdown. 

Pic via Google

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

As life is getting more and more hectic with my family, our animals, the farm and my business, I am finding that the weeks between my posts are stretching. I have so much more to say so watch this space. I am always sharing my photos on Instagram and my visual blog of our daily life and inspiration on the farm and travels is current. So if the wait is too long between weeks for my writings follow me @thefarmerwearsprada and join my journey.

Like a Fine Wine

Feeling older than my years 3 and a half months into having our second child, as I try to keep up with my daily life juggle on the farm as well as running my business - I look to some graceful and glorious faces for inspiration. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

My partner was busy in the lead up to Mother's Day.

Bringing Up Boys

We had our second child a month ago - another little boy. I looked down at the end of an evening and in the middle of the kitchen floor was a bike and a football. It occurred to me that herein lies pretty much what the rest of my life is looking like raising two sons. How do you take on a job like that? Raising boys and raising girls requires different parenting, the aim being to get the best out of their character in the most non-destructive or self-destructive way. How do we raise, confident, honest, responsible, empathetic human beings who will be good men, fathers, siblings, partners, husbands, sons? 

As emancipated as it may seem, we live in a culture which has possibly vilified masculinity, and we still seem to suffer a stereotypical yet contradictory hangover as to what a man should be: I want my boys to be sensitive but tough as nails and strong as lead. I want them to dress well and smell clean but be wild and rugged with a smudge of grease on their cheek. I want them to be leaders and to take charge but know humility. I would like them to speak their minds but be able to listen. To hold open a door for their loved one as well as to hold them up when they fall. To be gallant and mindful and smart and successful. To have patience and to be polite. To be safe and to protect others. To not be afraid to show their feelings and to communicate but to still be stoic and silent and wise enough to know when to hold their tongue. To be free to laugh and to cry unashamedly. To be athletic, play sport and to appreciate art all at once. To make the rules but to break them - to be good and a little bit bad. To love and to be loved. To be happy and healthy. To be kind. To respect and to be respected. To understand and appreciate the opposite sex, to be affectionate. I want them to be themselves and to pursue their dreams and to live fearlessly. All while being able to cook, clean and balance a baby on one hip, and still remain masculine enough to keep us interested. We expect a lot from our men and are hard on them, maybe too much so, considering this generation of fathers are doing so much more than their fathers ever did when it comes to hands on parenting. They really should be getting more credit. 

My own experience with men has been a little confused - I grew up in an environment where women ran businesses and the home while the men played golf, so to think that we had to rely on men to get things done was not on my radar. As a kid I was a tomboy with loads of boy friends, so it never really dawned on me until recent years that there is a vast chasm between sexes and what they may be able to do, even if it is just physically or emotionally. My dad died when I was 12 so I had very little male influence through my teenage years. I have had to invest in a huge amount of self help sessions to understand how different men and women are and to get how men function. I worked most of my life in the Arts or in Fashion and Design where the majority of the male population were either metro or gay or somewhere in between. I couldn't understand why, when I met my sports loving, alpha male partner, he wasn't in tune with aesthetics or interiors or hanging up the bath mat. I had to do a complete 180 in my approach to the male race. And so it goes I end up with two boys. Simple, straightforward, easy - the idea that a punch on the arm can take the place of years of therapy runs deep through their DNA. How can I change that in a lifetime? Of all my ambitions, to be a strong woman for my sons to admire and be inspired by is most important to me. I am up for a challenge and if I didn't have a backbone before I will have to grow one very quickly. 

L'Wren Scott

I was fortunate enough to meet such a gorgeous lady in her showroom in Paris on buying trips for our stores. She had a strong and lovely presence. All at once she was otherworldly, old worldly and modern. So beautiful, rare, smart, talented, elegant, gracious and kind. In memory of L'Wren Scott. 

Finding Inspiration - International Women's Day 8 March 2014

Great gals are my inspiration this week - International Women's Day 8 March

Wild and Precious